Why I'm Not Blogging?! Or Living?!!

I am not living the life i want! This Master studies is taking all my time, and maybe life! and it is just Masters... 3ayal PHD shloon?!

Maybe my supervisor is giving me a hard time; or maybe it's me! I even thought of quiting, changing, blowing it ... COMMIT SUICIDE! hehe bs Akhaf Allah :(

It all started in October 2009; when I went to register the Subject of my study and took the initiative to submit the proposal of the subject.

My supervisor was impressed because I gave him the proposal, and "hinted" a GO AHEAD. I started digging and digging for sources and a case study ... bla bla bla

In November, I traveled to Bahrain to update him on what I reached in my "digging" But I was shocked from his "generous" side that I have to change the proposal, and wait for a Committe to approve it! I was stunned, shocked and sad! I litrally wasted 1 and a half month of my life digging for something that my supervisor didn't bother to inform me "it is canceled!"

Wayed zain!

Because I am a flexible person, I changed the proposal 3 times to a subject that I deeply think it is "stupid" but I didn't share this thought with him cz:

1. he is the head of the department

2. i had enough changing and urguing for something when he keeps refusing it!

After submitting the 3rd "5re6y" part in December, i waited for a Committe of Professors to discuss it with me then approve it. For my surprise, the Committe didn't need my attendence, and -again- my supervisor didnt bother informing me! I had to find out when I traveled to Bahrain!

Add to that my personal day to day drama -im sure we all have it!- I decided not to write it until January 2010 ... ejaza bkefy!

Jan = Submit Chapter One

Mar = Submit Chapter two

May or maybe April = Submit Chapter three -the final chapter

It's end of Jan, I honestly finished 70% of Chapter One! Why?! HMMMM:

1. i feel frustrated from the study

2. a friend of mine asked me a question about my study and I couldnt answer!

3. Today, i sat with another professor who pointed out the "stupid" parts in my study which made me realise that I am not convinced enough to defend it!

4. I had something more importent life changing decision to take that took over my mind for 5 months, and I had to come with an end to it! hehe and I did ;p

El muhem!

I don't know what to do, i really believe that it is a good subject to study, and I want to change the stupid parts of it. But I am really concerned with my "na7ees" supervisor -well he isn't na7ees, he is Stubborn! Which is giving me a hard time :(

I want to write him an email and explain why I changed the stupid parts, because i honestly think they are stupid! I also want to tell him to stop arguing in useless topics which makes me feel more lost!

Wallah it is driving me crazy :( Shasawee?!

P.S. Some people at work ... sa5efiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin! Oo el mafrooth, el mafrooth, they are "men"! 6al !

Mie Mie

A Woman Torn Apart -- 18

I went out from the hair dress around 5:30 and rushed home; i did a simple hair style something like...

hope you liked it ;p

Anyways, i got my self done as soon as I reached my mom's house; soft make up and wore my outfit, put my A'abaya and shela waiting for 7essa.

I remeber the day I decided to wear Hijab; It was March 19 2001! I shocked everyone with my decision including Maryoom, who never thought it would happen.

I took my decision after going to Haaj, attended religious courses and studies Qur'an. Because I suddenly felt I need to strengthen my relation in religion.

A7mad, back then, didn't like my religious range. He was always the libral guy who never thought of religion as something essential in ones life... So when I took the decision of wearing it, he got very upset and that's when all our big problems started...

**Flash back**

March 2001

"na3am!"

"ana te7ajabt!"

"shenoo ya3nee?!!"

"ya3ny te7ajabt!"

Moments of long silence then he exploded ..

"ENTAY BETYANINIINY! DAYMAN TET9ARFIIN 3ALA KEFCH!? ANA MU GAYEL ENY MA ABIICH TET7AJBIN OO 3AJEBNY SHAKLICH CHETHY?! LEISH T3ANDIIN LEEEEEISH!?!"

"hatha el qarar beny oo bein Raby, oo enta malik she'3el! Mu 3ers or safra ana aby aroo7laha 3ashan asta2thn menk! Hatha shar3 Allah... oo enta malek ay 7ag enk tkalmny chethy fy hatha el mawthoo3!"

"Maly 7ag?!"

"La2!"

"Akeed!!"

"EE A7mad akeed; 7eta lu kent raylee chan masta2thant mnk!"

"mashy!" then he hang the phone; disappeared for a long while, long enough to make me decide to be with someone else!

****

7essa picked me up around 7PM and we won't to my cousin's Reception in Nuzha.

It was crowded but very classy! Fara7, my cousin, took care of every detail! The lighting, food, drinks! Everything!!! The theme was vintage pink, white and light green. It was an outdoor reception for giving the birth for her new baby girl.

We sat on a tabel where 3 of our cousins were sitting; we chated, gossiped, laughed and recalled good old days :)

When it was dinner time, there was an open buffiet where everyone went to it.. I waited untill the crowd becomes less.

"Yalla gumay 7u6iilch shay!" 7essa said as she just sat on the table

"bs te5uf el za7ma!" i replied

"al7ien maku a7ad! Yalla 3aysheen shenu mu yu3ana!?"

I looked at the buffiet section, there wasn't much people. "Okay kany bagoom, ayeeblch shay?!" I asked

"la2 mashkoora!"

I walked toward the buffiet, and started putting some food to eat when someone from my back asked ...

"3aysha?!"

I turned arround and it was .... i expected anyone on earth but her!

With wide open eyes I said "Amal!" ... She is A7mad's younger sister!

She placed her plate on the buffiet table and hugged me! I was mesmerized!

"asfa adry ench tabin takliin! bs b9ata7a magedart!" She said with happiness pouring from her eyes!

"la 3ady .. a9lan ana .. "

"please ge3day ma3ay! Aby asulf ma3ach!" she urged!

I couldn't think of my food, i took my plate, my million questions and followed her to a tabel where no one was sitting on it

"Shloonch oo sha5barch?!" She asked

"Ana zaina, entay shloonch?!"

"el 7amdillah, tezawajt gabel 6 months oo el 7ayat mashya" drawing a big smile on her face

I was happy for her! "Mashallah! maderait, bs shaklich merta7a... Allah ytamem 3alich"

"Ajma3iin, oo entay kan 3ndch bnt ... shesemha?! Rana! Sa7?!"

"ee! oo al7in 3endy Khalid ba3ad 3umra 4 months" i said

"Mashallaaaaaaah! mu mbayin!" she excitely said!

"shloon el dinya etdoor ... gabel 3 years eltgeena awal mara, tathkriin?! Lama sawoony mersal '3aram 3ashan t-hawnin 3an el zawaj! Oo al7in entay Om 3yal" Amal said

"EE ... " i didn't know what to say.


"3aysha ..." looking deeply into my eyes "latefhmeny '3ala6 bs A7mad wayed ta3ban! mekte2eb! dayman yesra7 oo ma nadry 3anah! Omy wayed 5ayfa 3alih oo ohwa ... "

I interrupted "Amal, Okhooch ba3ny ber5ees! Ana youm getla batzawaj galy mategdriin, getla ok ta3al bs 9arlena 6 sniin ma3 ba3th, galy laa ana wla '3ery ya5thch!"

"Bs ohwa ... ma kan bwa3ya oo dalil ena dazny akalmch!" She sadly said

"Ohwa kan sakran! Wa7da min million mushkela ma5alatna netzawaj!" I angrily replied

She was speechles, put her down apperantly ashamed from the awful truth about her brother, the love of my life!

"Amal.. entay sheftay sh9ar feny, oo kentay tgolinly ena A7mad '3aby la2ena 3amalny chethy... Ana makent aby akhaly bs ohwa ma5alaly ay 7al!" I sadly said.

"ref3ay rasch, '3al6at okhooch ohwa yt7amela! Entay el 7amdillah tezawajtay oo mashya b6reejch ... please ana a3tebrch methel ekhty oo mayhoon 3alay ashufch chethy!"

She smiled and said "entay a9lan wayeed 3alih! mumkn a5eth raqmch el ydid?! adry '3ayarty 3ashan A7mad bs wa3ad ma a36iih el raqam, oo etha sawet-ha saway feny ely tabina! edliin betna sa7?!" wincked!

"haha! Okay,, ana ba36eech el raqam la2ench we3adteny oo ana atheq feech! Bs please remember eny happily married oo ma aby ay shay y5areb 3alay..." I had to make it clear

We exchanged numbers, I excused myself and went back to 7essa. We greeted Fara7 as we were going out, and we left the reception around 9:30 PM.

I picked my kids from my Mom's house, left home, prepared and let Rana and Khalid sleep, had a shower and finally dipped myself into bed.

I knew Amal was going to tell A7mad that she saw me, so I had to lie about my "happily married" part to tease him, maybe.

I recalled the night I found out that A7mad drinks Alchohol; it was bittering, hurtful and I felt betraied! 6 years he kept such secerte from me, what else could he hide?!

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To Be Continued ... A Woman Torn Apart

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Mie Mie

A Woman Torn Apart -- 17

7essa left around 12:30 to pick up her kids. Oh! they are no longer "kids"! If you remember, 7essa had Rawan, Rashed, Ranad & Rshood. Rashed is now 16, Ranad & Rshood (twin) are 14. She was picking up Ranad from her high school, while the boys study in the same school.

Rawan, my favorate nise, is now 19 and she is studying in USA. She got a scholarship in 2002 after her graduation and went to study International Affairs. 7essa didn't approve nor accepted her first child to study abroad, but Othman, my dad, Ghazi and I convinced her to have a different new challenging life. She left in August, i gave birth to my baby Rana in December that year.

i know what you guys are thinking, we love names that begins with letter R ;)

i went to the kitchen to prepare luch for Rana and I before baby Khalid wakes up and disturbs up with his crying! My husband, Walid, is in Eygpt with his friends for a 10 days "vacation from work stress" and I am sure from me too! Honestly, i feel much better when he isn't arround.

I made some delicious penne pasta with brocoli, parmisian cheese and white sauce. Rana helped in preparing the dinning table, plates, forks, knife, and napkins... We started eating

"mama ..." Rana said while we were eating

"Na3am mama?!"

"benroo7 3end mama Mu'9y?!" she asked

"ee bs mu al7in, ana baru7 ma3 5altch 7essa oo entay ta5thin Khalood oo tru7un 3end mama Mu'9y" i answered

"shlun aroo7?! ana ma3endy sayara!" She wondered

"ana awadeech ba3din aru7 ma3 5alty 7essa"

"oo kalid?!" she asked

"kalid!" i laughed "hindia entay?! KHALID beyroo7 ma3ach" i said

And just when we were about to continue our food, Khalid's cry from the (Baby crying machine) came out loud! So i didn't complete my lunch, and rushed to his room.


Introducing my 2nd baby, Khalid... he was born in on the 28 of Feb. 2004, just two days after my second Anniversary. he is now 4 months old... While Rana looks like her dad, Khalid looks so much like ... Ghazi my brother!


I feed Khalid, changed his dippers and got him the Living room on his chair to stay with Rana, while the servant just finished washing the dishes. I spent some times with the kids and watched TV

Time fly so quick; it was almost 4 and i totally forgot about my cousin's reception! I asked the servant to change for the kids and I rushed to my room to get ready... I got out a mid length silk baby pink skirt with it's lace sleeves shirt and a see through colored pullover jacket.

After my quick shower, I called mum to tell her I am dropping my kids, then called my hairdresser and said "i want a nice quick hairstyle, coming in 15 minutes!".

Took my kids, the sevant and drove to my mother's place, wearing my Aabaya and shilah!

Yes, i wore 7ijab in March 2001 it was a sudden decision that no one expected! Of course my parents were happy for it, as well as my sisters... The only one who refused it was Ghazi, who i haven't talked to since December 2001!


>> December 2001 <<

"Enta shloon tesma7 7ag nafsk teda5al fee 5sosiyatee oo testa'3felny!?" i yelled

"lat 9ar5iin! ana O5ooch akbar mnch oo lazem te7tarmeny!" Ghazy said

"Ay e7teram?! enta 5aliit feha e7teraam?! Met3arefly 3ala wa7da ma adry min wein oo m5aliha t7u6 3einha 3alay bel dawam, oo tetgarab meny besem el Sadaqa 3ashan twa9ilk a5bary awal bawal?!! Shloon chethy tsawee!!"

"Entay leish mu rathya t9adgiin ena el salfa kelaha 9arat 9udfa?! Ana a3arefha gabel latroo7in el Hay2a oo gabel latetwathfiin fee nafs el qsm!" His voice got higher "oo ma7ad kan yabee ysta'3felch oo el bnt magalt ela kel 5eir 3anch?!"

"kel 5eir!" i said sarcastically "akeed betgoolk 3any kel 5eir la2enha kanat rasma 3alik ya Ghazi!!" I said looking staright into his eyes with mine full with anger and disappointment!

We were fighting in the living room, Mum came quick from the Kitchen hearing the arrguments and interfered "shsalfa?! shfeekom!!"

"Se2alay weldch!! El mu7taram!" pointing at Ghazi

"Ana mu7taram '3asben 3alich!" He screamed!

"lu mu7taram chan ma7a6iit wa7da tetlazag feny 3ashan tetgarab mnik!"

"Wa7da!?" Mum wondered "Meno hathy!?!"

As i was about to say her name, Ghazi screamed "3AYSHA!" hinting not to say another word!

"Saja!" I screamed her name out of anger

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To Be Continued ... A Woman Torn Apart

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Mie Mie